Child-Of-Hades

UPDATE: They've now deleted the reupload of my fanart, but I'm not sure about deleting this journal just yet because I'm pretty sure this person is stealing from others as well and I figured this entry may help serve as evidence if that's the case. They were extremely nonchalant when confronted and actually had the audacity to ask me permission to use the drawing (yes, only AFTER getting called out...). I have a feeling they probably didn't learn anything from this and will just keep reposting other people's work. Here's their page in case anyone wants to take a look at the gallery and see if they recognize anything else that's stolen: Solgalovamaria - Hobbyist, General Artist | DeviantArt

(OG entry below)

I hate that I'm having to make an entry like this after being able to go so long without having any of my work stolen, but I was just informed that a piece of Aleu and Vitani fanart I made years ago was taken and reuploaded without my permission.

Here's the original:

And here's the thief's reupload:

As you can see, the thief's version is far smaller and shittier quality because they just right-clicked and saved the image. This seems to be one of those people who thinks just because they credited the artist that somehow makes it okay to reupload other people's work.

So as always, just report them and move on, hopefully they'll learn not to do this shit.

Let this be a warning that just because I'm in the process of rebranding and moving accounts doesn't mean that everything I made on this account is suddenly fair game.

Thanks to the absolutely ridiculous typing limit on polls, I have no choice but to make a journal entry for this, so I apologize in advance for wasting space in your notifications x_x

Should I share my new DA publicly in a journal or only share it privately via note?

Publicly - There's no point in trying to separate yourself from the "Child-Of-Hades" account. If anyone decides to use your old account against you then they'll simply accuse you of trying to hide and it'll only make you look bad.

Privately - The whole point in making a new account was to try to let go of the weight on your shoulders and allowing your new DA to be attached to your old one is basically carrying that weight with you. If someone connects the dots and directly asks you if Child-Of-Hades is your account, then simply own up to it and say you're trying to move on. At least that way you're being honest even if you no longer wish to associate with this account.

Please cast your votes here so I can have some idea of how to properly go about this and thank you in advance for your input, patience, and support.

I've thought about this for a while, but I'm not sure whether or not I should do it.

Do any of you think it'd be a good idea for me to move to a new account? I have no intentions of deactivating this one, but I'm curious if maybe I should try to give myself a "fresh start".

This account was created and maintained throughout some of the worst years of my life, and as such I've said and done a lot of things I deeply regret. I don't care if I was undiagnosed/unmedicated at the time, mental illness is not, has never been, and will never be an excuse. I don't believe in pretending the past never happened, but I'm not entirely comfortable going on with this account when I know what a shitty person I've been. No amount of deleting or storing past cringey shit is ever going to make me feel better.

What's stopping me is the fact that I've had this account for so long and made so many wonderful friends and good memories here that it feels like all of that would somehow go to waste if I tried to "rebrand". Not to mention, if someone has anything against me and wanted to drag up decade-old posts or comments, they'd still be able to do so even if I moved to a new account.

Still, I can't help but feel that making a new one might be for the better. Hypothetically speaking, if my art was to ever get noticed by someone who would want to work with me, the last thing they need is to be subjected to my old ugly shit. I want to have some semblance of possibility for a future, and I don't think that's manageable with the amount of weight on my shoulders.

I don't think any amount of guilt or atonement actually matters as far as the internet goes. The time you cussed someone out over petty bullshit means so much more than the time you apologized to them only to find out they forgot it even happened/didn't care that much. Someone somewhere still hates you, even if it's not the people who have actual reason to.

Nobody wants to see someone get better, they want to see them be haunted by their fuck ups in spite of any attempt at self-improvement. Sure, you might have supporters defending you and telling your detractors to stop dwelling on the past, but that doesn't make up for anything you did wrong. Just because you changed as a person doesn't mean you can improve anything else. If someone has made up their mind, that's that. You're still the same piece of garbage you were twelve years ago.

Or at least that's the mentality I'm under.

Forgive me in advance for the self-hatred and (most likely) projection, but this felt too important for me to just brush it off as my depression talking.

Having said all of that, I'll ask again: Do any of you think it'd be a good idea for me to move to a new account?

Yes: Starting over with a clean slate won't help much, but it might make you feel like moving on will be a bit easier. You can just send your new user to all your friends and followers, so they don't get left behind. If someone digs up your old account to use against you, they'll probably just be laughed at for trying to revive decade-old drama.

No: Part of the reason you've kept this account for so long is because you refused to "be chased away" or "pretend nothing happened". Everyone fucks up and people don't care as much as you think they do. If you were that terrible, you'd have a Kiwifarms page by now. Just keep using this account and if someone drags up old shit, then own up to it. You're only hurting yourself.

I've been putting this off for the last few days because I couldn't bring myself to properly articulate it, but it's about time I made a post regarding this.

March 17 marked a turning point in my life and not for the better.

Sarafina's health had been deteriorating for several weeks, it got to where we couldn't get her to eat any food and the only thing she would drink was a few sips of milk. She lost an alarming amount of weight and struggled with breathing problems. We knew what was coming but tried to keep her as comfortable and content as possible.

That day, my mom brought Sarafina outside with her for some fresh air, but because she was babysitting my little cousin, she forgot to keep an eye on our cat. By the time I was made aware of this and rushed out to check on her, Sarafina had already wandered off of the porch and was nowhere to be found in the yard. We searched for hours in the wooded area around our house but could never find her, not even when we searched again the next day.

I know it's natural for animals to wander off when they die because they don't want their loved ones to see them go, but the fact that we couldn't at least find her body and give her a proper burial guts me to my core.

I've had this cat for somewhere around 17-18 years, she was with me through the best and worst years of my life, even witnessing my struggle with mental illness, and there was a time when she was quite literally the only friend I had. I'll never forgive myself for her having to see me like that, but I'll always be grateful that she at least saw me get better and more importantly, that she was there for me. I've made a lot of wonderful friends over the years and love them all equally, but if anybody were to hold the title of "#1", it would be Sarafina.

I wish I could redo it all again but avoid the mistakes I made in life and be the person she deserved. I know she had a good life and I know she loves me as much as I love her, but I still wish things could've been better sooner. I'm just grateful for her being a part of my life, and I hope she really knows just how much she means to me.

Rest in peace, Sarafina

Your family will always miss you

(I was debating on whether or not to post this and was leaning more toward the latter, but unfortunately this is never going to leave my mind if I don't, so I might as well take the risk of posting it just to get this over with.)

I really can't get over how much I hate myself and I think it's effecting my willingness to better this account.

I'd started doing this thing a little while back where, if I was feeling down on myself, I would go through my gallery and journals late at night and delete anything I viewed as "cringe" because it made me feel like a weight was lifted off of me. But to be honest, I don't think any amount of me "de-cringing" this account will ever make me feel better. I'll still hate myself for all the mistakes I made here (and in general) and I'll still hate myself for the despicable excuse for a sub-human being that I used to be.

And thanks to the hideous Eclipse update being enforced, the site has become so brain-burningly irritating to navigate and sort through that there's probably no longer any real hope of me being able to truly clean up my gallery.

Quite frankly, given the garbage I posted, the vents I spewed, and the way I've treated others (and hell, even myself) in the past, I probably deserve to have someone like DACringe crucify the living fuck out of me. In fact, I would even take it a step further and say I'm genuinely shocked that I haven't heard about anyone making pages on my past behavior the way Encyclopedia Dramatica does to lolcows. I can only hope and pray this means I was (and am) too tiny and insignificant to even bother dragging through the mud.

I can only hope and pray the people who are into doing that bs either don't even know I exist or have simply decided they have better pieces of shit to waste their time on.

I'd like to finish cleaning up this account - it's 2020 after all - but I'm now questioning whether or not I even deserve to clean it up. Maybe it's just and fitting that I be exposed to the risk of getting attacked over things from a decade ago. Maybe I don't deserve the peace of mind that I was trying to seek in deleting that shit.

Hell, some of the stuff I've deleted didn't even qualify as cringy, I just deleted it because I hate my old art. I've even deleted selfies because I hate the way I look and because I know the minute someone decided to threaten me, they'd probably pull the "I know what you look like, all I have to do is find your location" card. I already had one incident with an attempted online stalker back in 2015 (some of you probably remember that since you stood up for me), the last thing I need is another fiasco like that.

Even after all these years, I'm literally still traumatized by that incident to the point that I recently had a nightmare about him coming back, except in the dream nobody came to my defense and instead helped him gang up on me until I was receiving multiple death threats. (I know it was just a nightmare and an unrealistic scenario at that but it still fucked with me)

Tbh I've even contemplated deleting all of my selfies altogether but the only things stopping me are the nostalgic comments from friends and the fact that deleting something doesn't just make it magically disappear - I'm not stupid enough to think it does. Chances are someone's already stolen my selfies before to use for catfishing or some illegal shit for all I know.

I don't know what to do anymore.

If I keep the shit up then it shows a lack of remorse and personal growth but if I take the shit down then it looks like I'm trying to "hide" or "pretend it never happened".

It seems to be a lose-lose situation no matter what I do or don't do.

And the most obnoxious part is, I'm pretty sure me simply writing this journal is going to put a target on my back (if there wasn't one there already), because that's just how fucking petty and vindictive certain people are.

No amount of change is ever enough. No amount of apology is ever enough. All that matters is what you did wrong in the past that can potentially be used as a weapon against you in the present and future.

I think the worst feeling I currently have is the sudden realization of why my outdated/now deleted NSFW fics from eons ago were so grotesquely fucked up in the first place - It wasn't about sex. It was about torture. I'm beginning to think I put fictional characters through so much pain because I subconsciously inserted myself in their place. It's probably no question that I poured all of my anger, hostility, and hatred into that garbage, but the graphically sexual aspect now feels like it was nothing more than a pathetic excuse to make it as disturbing as possible. I put myself in their place because for some godforsaken reason I thought I deserved to be abused, that I deserved to be killed. I used these characters as surrogates for myself because I couldn't come to terms with my own self-hatred and would rather shamelessly flaunt it in the form of edgelord shock value, just so I could scoff at people for being understandably (and rightfully) mortified by it.

"Don't like, don't read XD"... Something I used to say far too often. Worthless condescending words from the mouth of trash.

It feels like it was all an unhealthy outlet for an inexplicably even unhealthier mindset.

I was a fucking monster and quite frankly I don't think there's much (if anything) redeemable about me. I also fear that no amount of change or remorse will ever make me a decent person, let alone a "good" one. Maybe I was somehow right in thinking that I deserved the agony I inflicted on those characters, just not to such an extreme degree. The only thing I know for sure is that I was too un-self-aware to realize and simply admit my self-hatred back then - or better yet, use an actual self-insert OC in those god awful writings instead of cowardly hiding in the skins of already existing characters and, most importantly, don't fucking post it.

I'm going to try to bring this entry to an end now since reading it is probably painful and I feel that I've already hurt my friends/followers enough in the past, but this is something I've been wanting to say for a while. I've been working on myself for so many years, and while I'm better off mentally/psychologically, I'm not sure I can say the same emotionally. If I can't stop hating myself and I can't forgive myself, then what kind of progress is that? Have I really done a good job working on myself if I can't even accomplish those two things? I don't know for sure just how much I've failed others, but one thing I do know without a shadow of doubt is that I've failed myself.

I may be content with my life now, but I'm not content with myself, and deep down I can't help but think maybe I deserve to rot in the personal hell I've created. I hope this entry doesn't get flagged or causes me to somehow get banned due to its content, I just really needed to finally get it off my chest. There is nothing that makes you feel scummier than having so many people who love/support you (both online and in real life) and knowing that you don't deserve any of them.

Thank you for the compassion and generosity you've shown me over the years, you people were all good to me despite the fact that you had better people to be good to.

I'm sorry, and I can't possibly say I'm sorry enough.